


Snapshots

by johnny cade (johnnycake)



Series: Switchblades and Leather [36]
Category: The Outsiders (1983), The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: CPTSD, CSA, Gen, PTSD, Past Rape Mention, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Vignette, past rape implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-07-14 01:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16030478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnnycake/pseuds/johnny%20cade
Summary: Snippets of Johnny's thoughts throughout the movie.





	1. The Bushes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny reacts when he sees Ponyboy get jumped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as the name suggests this fic is just very short sequences of johnny’s thoughts. i have several ideas, but requests as always are deeply appreciated!!

They’d all been hanging out at the Curtis’ house when they heard screaming. At first, no one could make out the words and none of it made sense to anyone and all of them thought it was somebody else. They didn’t live in a wealthy neighborhood. People got jumped often and even if they weren’t getting jumped, they were being beaten by their own families. The East side wasn’t a happy place to live.

But then they recognized the tone and one of the words and they all knew immediately.

Ponyboy had gone to the movies by himself and it all dawned on them just then when they heard that one word shouted: “Darry!”

Everyone jumped up at once and ran out the door. Johnny was the last one out the door. He could tell from the scuffle behind the house that it was a fight. He fought for the gang in rumbles and if they were in trouble, but he hated fighting. He hated the fear of it. He hated everything involved and sometimes, even if he knew he had to, he froze and he couldn’t fight at all.

They all ran out the door, around the house to the backyard.

Soda, Two-Bit, Steve, and Dally ran at the red Cadillac as the Socs who owned it darted back inside. The boys reached through the windows, trying to throttle the occupants or get some sort of retribution for their friend who was lying in the dirt.

Johnny’s eyes darted to Ponyboy and his eyes widened when he saw blood. His eyes went back to the red Cadillac, now driving away, the occupants shouting obscenities at the gang left behind.

Jumped, he thought, seeing Ponyboy on the ground, tears running from his eyes, blood running from a cut in his neck. He blinked and saw a different car, a different patch of grass, a different day. Or, rather, night. His knees nearly buckled and he felt his eyes glaze over as he took a sharp breath, the tendons in his neck stretching as Darry touched his arm and ran past him to Ponyboy on the ground.

“Johnny.”

He blinked and saw Two-Bit standing next to him. He blinked again and realized he was sitting on the Curtis’ back stoop. How had he gotten from standing behind the row of bushes that led to the street to here? He didn’t remember moving.

“You okay?” Two-Bit asked. Two-Bit joked and laughed with everyone, but Johnny he took care of. Everyone in the gang took care of him, but Two-Bit and Dally especially.

Johnny swallowed and nodded, though he could tell Two-Bit didn’t believe him even when he said, “Yeah. I’m fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this part is already a stand alone fic in this series, but i thought that it would also make sense to put it into this series because it's exactly what the summary is talkin' about.


	2. The Dingo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny reacts to the fight that breaks out at The Dingo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is actually a little longer than i plan on these bein'. they're all gonna be under a thousand words most likely so yeah!!

Johnny loved hanging out with Ponyboy and Dallas and having fun around town – which more or less meant causing mischief – before going to their drive-in movie was one of the few pleasures in life Johnny enjoyed. He liked going to the drug store and distracting the owner with Ponyboy while Dally lifted a pack or two of cigarettes. He enjoyed looking in closed up shops and speculating with Dallas and Pony how long it would take for the police to show up if they decided to try to break in. And he especially liked going to The Dingo with them to talk to whoever was there.

The Dingo was a sit-down slash drive-in restaurant. This meant someone could either park their car in the lot and go in to have their meal or they could park their car in front of the restaurant building itself and waitresses would come out of the building to take their order on white pads of paper, wearing sock-hop dresses, before going back inside and bringing them their drinks and everything else on a tray that was attached to the window of their car.

Johnny had never done the latter option. He didn’t have a car and the rest of the gang rarely went out to eat anyway because of how poor they all were. But he often went inside to have his meal with his friends when they could afford it and he liked it. The food there was good, the service was too, and they had a jukebox in the back of the building where, for only a quarter, you could play four different songs of your choosing.

It was a fun place to go.

And that was where they headed after lifting the cigarettes and wandering around town for a while. Dallas walked up to a blue car, leaning against it and picking up the drink on the tray attached to its window to take a sip, while Ponyboy and Johnny leaned against the car as well, looking inside and saying hello to who was within. Johnny didn’t know most of the people they said hello to. He was shy enough that the only people he really knew in town were the gang and that was it, but Ponyboy and Dallas seemed to know them, so he said hello and then politely listened while they spoke to each other.

It was while this was happening that something else happened.

Johnny saw the beginnings of it out of the corner of his eye. He saw the boys in the leather jackets push the dark boy in the yellow jacket. But it wasn’t until he heard the boys around them starting to shout, “Fight! Fight! Fight!” that he, Dallas, and Ponyboy turned as one to the fight that was breaking out behind them.

Johnny watched in wide-eyed fear as the boys in the leather jacket pushed the other boy again and images flashed through his mind. He saw his father pushing him to the ground. He saw him straddling him, punching him to keep him down once he’d fallen. He could feel his father ripping off his clothes and his mother going into the other room, pretending not to see what was happening right in front of her on her living room floor.

He remembered the first few times this had happened.

He remembered screaming for her, begging for her to help him.

But she never had.

By this time he was shaking, following Dallas and Ponyboy on autopilot as they walked around the fight and in the distance they could hear sirens coming to break it up.

Johnny was so trapped in his memories, he didn’t notice Dallas stepping in front of him to shield him from the fight, to make sure no one broke through and fell into him instead of one of the many other people around them.

They left when the police arrived, not wanting to get caught up in whatever might happen after their appearance. But even though they’d left the scene, Johnny was still shaking, staring at the ground with wide, glazed-over eyes, trying to forget the images still racing through his mind. He jumped nearly a foot in the air when someone put his hand on his shoulder, but when he turned to see who it was, it was only Dallas.

“You okay, Johnnycake?” he asked, looking genuinely concerned.

Johnny wanted to kick himself for making his distress so obvious.

He forced a smile and nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine, Dal.”

Dally didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t press the matter either and for that Johnny was grateful. He wasn’t sure how he could explain what had just happened anyway. And, truthfully, he didn’t want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again if y'all have requests of...snapshots you'd like to see feel free to comment!!


	3. What You Don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dally is playing around when he grabs Johnny in a choke hold on the way to the drive-in, but Johnny forgets that for a minute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe it took me three days to get this out, someone shoot me.

The walk from their neighborhood to the drive-in wasn’t very far at all. Even after they made a quick roundabout pit stop at the garage Soda and Steve worked at to get some extra cash. However, it was still an hour or two before dark and the movies didn’t start playing until the sun was well and truly setting, so they were wandering around town, causing a little bit of mayhem before they headed to the hole in the fence that led to the drive-in parking lot.

“So what’s the movie about?” Johnny asked, his eyes on the ground as they walked down the main street, passed a deserted parking lot.

Without warning, an arm grabbed him around the neck, pulling him in. He gasped, his heartbeat spiking, his eyes widening, his entire body seizing up as he moved, forgetting entirely for a second where he was and who he was with. For a moment, he was transported from the street back to the house he’d left that morning and it was his father’s arm around his neck. He started to reach up with shaking hands to pull it away, a scream already forming on his lips before he remembered.

It wasn’t his father holding him in a headlock.

It was Dallas. And Dallas was just playing around.

“Ow, Dallas,” he said as Dally let him go and he straightened again. He looked at him, swallowing hard, forcing the fear down, trying to forget all that had happened in his mind in those few seconds as he added, “Huh?”

“Dunno, John,” Dally said, looking away towards the deserted parking lot as he let him go. It startled Johnny for a moment that he used his given name instead of his nickname. “One of those beach movies, they put out a whole bunch of em.”

Johnny looked away, taking a puff off his cigarette.

His hands were still shaking.

He could still feel his father’s hands on him.

He would feel them all the way to the drive-in. And then even after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can probably tell i am not in a good place, since it's takin' me forever to get stuff out. i am prayin' i will get out the next chapter of my big fic tomorrow or the next day, but i guess we'll fuckin' see.


	4. The Drive-In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two-Bit startles Johnny at the drive-in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey look!! i got this out in a short amount of time!! yay!!

Sitting with Cherry and Marcia was nice if a bit nerve wracking. Johnny couldn’t help feeling afraid that the girl’s boyfriends would appear at any minute and beat the tar out of him and Ponyboy for daring to speak to them to begin with. Even if they were defending them from Dallas, who had been harassing them to begin with.

The movie they’d come to see wasn’t very good, but the beach movies never really were. Still, he watched it, half paying attention to the movie and half paying attention to what Cherry and Ponyboy were saying to each other. Johnny gave a small smile. Ponyboy liked Cherry a lot. He could tell. Not that they’d ever be able to date or anything, but he supposed it was sometimes nice to fantasize.

Without warning, someone grabbed Johnny from behind and he jumped nearly a foot in the air as they shouted, “Oi greaser! You’re dead!”

Johnny froze, his breath catching in his throat as the blood drained from his face and he closed his eyes tight. His breath was coming in smothered gasps, ready for whoever was behind him to kill him for daring to talk to the Soc girls sitting next to him.

But minutes passed and nothing happened. His eyelids fluttered open slowly and he turned looking up to see Two-Bit standing behind him. The panic in his chest vanished slowly as he tried to control his breathing, saying in a breathless, terrified voice, “H-hey Two-Bit.”

Two-Bit messed up his hair, grinning as he said, “Sorry, kid. I forgot.”

Johnny smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He could only think of the last time that happened, when he’d been alone in the vacant lot. He tried to control his breathing as Two-Bit started talking to the girl sitting next to him, tried to forget what had happened to him last time, but he couldn’t.

He knew Two-Bit didn’t mean it. He knew it was an accident, but that changed nothing.

Johnny was still terrified. He knew it was only a matter of time until the Socs hurt him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pray for me that i get the next chapter of my fic out in a good amount of time rip


	5. Navy Visions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny's reaction to seeing the blue Mustang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay!! i got this out in a timely manner. i'm gonna write my one-shot next cause i rly wanna write it. i'll write the next chapter of my fanfic after that.

“It’s okay,” Johnny said to Ponyboy, looking away as he spoke. “Don’t worry about it.” He knew that Ponyboy didn’t mean what he said. He hadn’t been thinking when he spoke. Though what he’d said was true. His parents _didn’t_ want him. They were happier when he was out of the house. Except for when they wanted him to stick around so they could beat him. The thought alone made him close his eyes briefly and shudder. He didn’t want to go home tonight either. Not with what had happened that morning. Two-Bit had only barely rescued him from his mother who had been hitting him in the front yard with a broomstick.

“Marcia!”

Cherry’s voice snapped Johnny out of his thoughts. He opened his eyes and looked up and around. There were twin bright lights heading towards them. For a moment, all he could do was squint at them, wondering who would be going up this narrow alley to get out of the drive-in.

“Oh look who’s coming,” Marcia replied.

The car got closer and Johnny’s breath caught in his chest.

It was blue. A blue Mustang. He could see it clearly now. And as it pulled to a stop, he could clearly see the people in the car. He recognized them. All of them.

“Cherry!” one of them shouted, opening the car door as he did so. “What’s goin’ on? What’re you doin’? Just because we got a little drunk –”

“A little?!” Cherry shouted back, looking like a furious warrior goddess. “You call reeling and passing out in the streets a little? I’ve told you before! I’m never going out with you when you’re drinking and I mean it!”

“That’s no reason to go hang out with these bums,” another one of them replied.

“Who’re you callin’ bums, pal?” Two-Bit asked, sounding vicious.

“You!” Randy replied, yanking Two-Bit’s jacket off Marcia’s shoulders. “Look we got two more of us in the back seat!”

Two-Bit slammed his beer bottle against the fence they were standing next to, breaking off the top before tossing it to Ponyboy. Johnny felt his heart speed up in his chest as Two-Bit pulled out his knife and replied, “Pity the back seat!”

Johnny’s eyes flicked to the knife in Two-Bit’s hand for a moment, not hearing what Randy was shouting at him now. The world had gone silent when he saw the hand of the blonde one that had gotten out, the one that was speaking to Cherry.

His hand was covered by three heavy rings.

Johnny’s eyes widened as he turned to look at the Soc’s face. It had been only a few months since the Socs had jumped him and it had been too dark then for him to see their faces. Now he stared at them, horror in his eyes, shaking badly as he realized these were the same Socs that had gotten him before. And now they were back, making good on their threat to do it again.

The world reeled around him. He hardly noticed the shouting had stopped and Cherry had pulled Ponyboy aside to speak to him. It wasn’t until Cherry was getting into the car with the two Socs and they began to drive off that he finally broke out his trance. He watched them pull away, still struggling to breathe, his hands shaking badly, the image of the Soc’s face and the rings on his hand still flashing through his mind as he blew air into his hands to warm them. He knew it was only a matter of time until they came back to hurt him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm happy with how this turned out!! i hope y'all will like it too!!


	6. Unmeant Cruelty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny's thoughts when Ponyboy tells him he's not wanted at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year y’all!! my resolution is to tryta write more than i have been lately!! hope y’all have a good year <3 
> 
> also i realize this is outta order, but i forgot about the fact i wanted to write this part initially, so that's why. sorry y'all D:

The movie was boring, but that was what everyone had been expecting to begin with. As many beach movies as they’d been to and with how many of them had been horrible, not good at all, Johnny thought vaguely that maybe someone smarter than they were would’ve stopped going to the movies by now. However, they never really went to see the movie. They went for the company and the food. Johnny especially went for the food. He rarely got to eat at home.

They left the drive-in on foot. Cherry and Marcia had driven there with their boyfriends, but since neither of them really wanted to speak to their boyfriends at the moment, Two-Bit offered to walk them to his house and allow them to call for a ride from their parents from there.

Johnny walked behind them, listening without really paying attention to Two-Bit talking to Marcia and Ponyboy talking to Cherry. He stared at his shoes, kicking at the loose gravel stones beneath his feet as he walked, his hands shoved into his pockets. He didn’t mind being left out. He didn’t really have anything to contribute to either conversation anyway. And besides, after what Sylvia had done to him, he was more or less afraid of girls. He knew it was unfair to judge all of them based on that one experience, but even if they didn’t scare him he wasn’t interested in them anyway. At least, not in the way Ponyboy and Two-Bit seemed to be interested in Cherry and Marcia.

“So tell me about your oldest brother,” Cherry was saying now. “You never talk about him.”

Johnny looked up just long enough to notice Ponyboy had stopped walking and was now resting one hand on the chain link fence to their left. He was smoking at the same time, clearly trying to look cool and tuff for Cherry, even though she was a Soc and what was attractive to her was probably completely different from what a greaser girl would find attractive.

“What’s to tell?” Ponyboy replied with a shrug. “He’s big and roofs houses.”

By now everyone had stopped walking and Two-Bit and Marcia had doubled back to join in the conversation. Johnny stood next to Ponyboy, watching him. Something was wrong. He could tell by the way he stood, the way his shrug seemed to be out forced nonchalance more than anything else, but he wasn’t exactly sure what it was.

“No, really, what’s he like?” Cherry tried again. “I feel like I know Soda from as much as you talk about him. Tell me about Darry! Is he wild and reckless like Soda or...dreamy like you?”

In any other instance, Johnny was sure that Ponyboy would’ve smiled, maybe even blushed from the way Cherry was talking to him, but now he just looked away, smoking, his entire body seeming to stiffen at the question. Johnny bit his lip. Something really was wrong. Ponyboy was his best friend and he probably knew him better than anyone save for his own brothers.

“He ain’t like Soda and he sure ain’t like me!” Pony suddenly burst out. “He can’t stand me! I bet he’d like to put me in some boy’s home, but Soda won’t let him!”

“What are you talking about, Ponyboy?” Two-Bit asked, his brows drawn together, the corners of his mouth turned downwards. Even Cherry and Marcia seemed unsettled by Pony’s outburst.

“C’mon on, Ponyboy,” Johnny said in a quiet voice, feeling baffled himself. If any of this were true, why hadn’t Pony mentioned it to him, his best friend, before now. “Y’all get along fine now.”

“No, we don’t!” Ponyboy snapped, rounding on Johnny, his eyes blazing in a way that almost made him look like a completely different person and made Johnny flinched, taking a step back. He reminded him too much of his parents in that moment. “And you can just shut your trap, Johnny Cade, cause you ain’t wanted home either. And you can’t blame em!”

This time Johnny flinched visibly.

He didn’t want to believe what Ponyboy said, but everything he said was true. He _wasn’t_ wanted at home and who really could blame his parents anyway? They had to pay what little money they made for him to live there. He was always causing trouble. He’d never told anyone else, but he knew the reason he got beat so often: he was a mistake. He was worthless. He was clumsy and loud and prideful. And it seemed even Ponyboy, his best friend, could see that.

“You shut your mouth, kid!” Two-Bit snapped in response, reaching up to cuff Ponyboy upside the head. “If you weren’t Soda’s kid brother, I’d beat the tar outta you! You know better than to talk to Johnny like that!” He turned to Johnny, his eyes softening as he placed his hand on Johnny’s shoulder, adding quietly, “He didn’t mean it, Johnny.”

The anger leeched out of Ponyboy in a second, his shoulders drooping, his eyes becoming sad as he turned to Johnny, his mouth turned downwards, seeming to realize all at once the impact of his words. “I’m sorry. I was just mad.”

Johnny could only give a bleak, horribly sad smile as he said, “It’s the truth. I don’t care.”

“Shut up talkin’ like that,” Two-Bit replied, giving a small smile of his own as he messed up Johnny’s hair. “We couldn’t get along without ya.”

Johnny smiled a little wider, but there was still no joy in it.

Ponyboy was right. His parents didn’t want him. He’d always known that. But the worst part was the fact he _did_ care and he wished they _did_ want him. And even after all this time, after all they’d done and said, he still had hope that someday they would change and he would have a real family. He had the gang, that was true, but it wasn’t the same and, no matter what anyone said, no matter how many people cared or told him different, it never would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realize i have written this before from dally’s pov in sort of an au, so this is from johnny’s pov


	7. The Shouting Matches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny's feelings when he goes home and hears his folks shouting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why do these snapshots always take me forever to get out even tho they take me like a second and a half to write??? we just don't fuckin' know.

The neighborhood was dark when Ponyboy, Johnny, and Two-Bit reached it. The wind blew through the trees, the swaying leaves the only sound in the darkness besides their voices, talking about the girls who they’d all almost gotten beat up for. Johnny was glad that Cherry had stopped the fight before it’d even gotten started, but he was still shaken from seeing the Soc who had beat him almost dead in the lot not too long ago. He’d done it several times before and since, but he hadn’t told anyone about that.

“Those are two of the best lookin’ girls I ever seen,” Two-Bit said, taking a piece of paper, wadding it up and shoving it into his mouth. Johnny watched him chew it into pulp before spitting it back out on the dark street. There were no streetlights in this part of town, so the wad of paper and saliva was lost as soon as it fell into the shadows.

“What was that?” Ponyboy asked, watching it vanish.

“Marcia’s number,” Two-Bit replied. Johnny looked at him. It was too dark to see his face, but he could just hear the disappointment and longing in his voice. “Probably fake one too. I musta been crazyta ask her. Girl like that would never go out with me. Where you goin’?”

Ponyboy had turned in the direction of his house down the street. He jerked his thumb in that direction and said, “Home. What about you?”

But Johnny never heard the rest of the conversation. It was only just then he realized they were standing in front of his house and the noise hit him all at once.

His parents were screaming at each other so loud he was shocked he hadn’t heard them all the way down the street. In truth, he probably had, but he was still trying to recover from the shock of seeing that Soc and enjoying his conversation – though he hadn’t been contributing to it much – with Ponyboy and Two-Bit, he hadn’t noticed it at all. Now it hit him full force and whatever panic he’d managed to push down since they left the drive-in came back just as strong as well.

He couldn’t go in there. He knew that even before his mother opened the door, screaming out of it for him to leave and get out. If he went in, especially now, he’d be dragged into the fight and then whatever they were screaming at each other would become irrelevant and he would become the object of their anger. With how mad they seemed now, he’d be lucky if he got away with just a black eye.

Johnny swallowed hard and turned on his heel. Two-Bit was gone. He wasn’t sure exactly where he’d gone, but it didn’t matter. He saw Ponyboy was still hovering on the edges of his property. In the dim light cast from his front porch, he could see worry and concern written all over his best friend’s features and he immediately felt guilty for making him worry at all.

“I hate when my folks are fightin’,” he said, trying to make it seem like that’s all it was, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his denim jacket. “Let’s go go to the lot.”

He ducked his head down and sprinted towards the lot, passing Ponyboy as he did so, not wanting him to see the fear on his face. Johnny was a greaser and, though he knew everyone in the gang knew he was more sensitive to just about everything than the rest of them, he still wanted to pretend he wasn’t. And that meant hiding everything. Even the obvious pain everyone could see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've still got a ways to go in terms of this fic, but i hope y'all like this chapter!!


	8. Realizations Under the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pony's thoughts about Johnny being suicidal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this fic is supposedta be about johnny's thoughts durin' the book, but this was never explored from pony's pov, so i thought it might be cool to explore it.

Pony was glad when Johnny suggested they go to the lot instead of going home. He knew it was because he didn’t want to deal with his parents screaming at each other and, with the way Johnny’s home life was, Pony didn’t blame him and was happy to be there for his friend, but he had selfish reasons for not wanting to go back to his own home and almost all of them had to do with Darry.

That and the fact he didn’t really want to think about what had just happened with Cherry.

“It’s cause we’re greasers, Pone,” Johnny said as though he could read his thoughts. “Might’ve hurt her reputation or somethin’, don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Ponyboy replied, hating that he sounded as miserable as he felt.

Johnny looked away, staring up at the starry sky instead. “Man, that was a tough car,” he said finally. He sounded like he meant it too, despite who had been driving it. “Mustangs. They’re tough.”

“Big time Socs alright,” Pony said, the bitterness showing through in his voice as he got up, going over to the fire to throw sticks into it. “It’s always the same.”

As much as he tried not to, Ponyboy felt like crap about Cherry and the Socs. He’d never been jumped by them. Even what had happened earlier today didn’t count to him, not really. Not after what he’d seen them do to Johnny only a few months back. But they still scared him and he still hated them and the fact that a nice girl like Cherry was not only one of them, but dating the guy who had beat Johnny so bad seemed like some sort of sick joke and he couldn’t help being mad about it.

“I can’t take much more of this, Ponyboy,” Johnny said suddenly. Pony opened his mouth to reply, but then Johnny said something else and he snapped his jaw shut instantly.

“I-I’ll kill myself or something.”

Ponyboy turned around, seeing Johnny hunched over, his hands on his head, his head between his knees, rocking back and forth slowly.

He’d seen Johnny miserable before, but this was different. Images flashed through his mind, images of conversations he’d overheard of Darry and Steve and Soda and Two-Bit finding Johnny in various stages of attempting suicide. Somehow he’d never really believed it. Somehow he’d never really seen how deeply Johnny was suffering. And seeing him like this now, he felt guilty. How could he not have known? How could he not have at least suspected? Johnny’s life was like a bad horror movie and it never ended. In those conditions, why _wouldn’t_ someone want to die?

Even now he could hear Johnny’s parents all the way down the street, still shrieking at each other and he knew without even asking that was what was fueling Johnny’s thoughts now.

He moved away from the fire, saying in as comforting a voice as he could, “Aw, don’t say that, Johnny. Don’t kill yourself.” He put his arm around Johnny’s shoulders.

“I gotta do somethin’,” Johnny replied in that same miserable voice.

Pony was stricken as he realized Johnny was crying. The only other time he’d seen Johnny cry was the night he’d gotten beat nearly to death by the Socs. He couldn’t think of anything now, just as he couldn’t then, to make it all better.

Johnny sat up slowly, quickly swiping at his eyes. Pony pretended not to see. Johnny slumped back on the ripped out car seat they were both sitting on and stared up at the sky. “There’s gotta be someplace,” he gasped out, “without greaser, Socs...there must be someplace with just...plain ordinary people...I dunno, people...I dunno...”

Pony was slumped against Johnny now too, the warmth of the fire making him sleepy despite all that had just happened. His eyelids felt heavy and he took a deep breath before saying in a voice with words that slurred together, “It’s like that out in the country...away from all the big towns...out in the country...”

He was asleep within seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if y'all got suggestions for scenes from really any of the character's povs from either the book or the movie, feel freeta request em!! <3


	9. Needful Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny's thoughts on going to ask Dallas for help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes the title is based off of the stephen king book of the same name.

The night had gone from chilled to freezing in the last half hour and, as Johnny staggered down the street with Ponyboy in tow behind him, shaking like a loose fall leaf, he held his arms around himself. Even though he still wore his denim jacket. Even though he’d buttoned it up and popped up the collar for extra warmth. His hands were freezing in particular. Still wet with blood he knew he’d long since washed off. But he could feel it there. Beneath whatever semblance of cleanliness he thought had somehow absolved him of what he’d just done.

_Blood filling the fountain. More than he’d ever seen in his life._

_The blonde Soc_ (his name is Bob, you murderer) _staggering back, collapsing, dying._

_His knife, covered in dripping crimson._

_His own breath, gasping in the silence that followed._

Johnny shuddered as the images flashed through his mind over and over again, unable to stop them or even slow them down. He couldn’t close his eyes. That just made it worse. And he couldn’t walk fast or even run because the flashes seemed to be timed with his footsteps.

_Fountain, Bob, knife, breath, silence._

_Fountain, Bob, knife, breath, silence._

It repeated on an endless nightmarish loop. He dug his fingers into his arms, rather than clutching at the sleeves of his jacket, praying the pain of his fingernails digging into his skin, but this only seemed to speed them up rather than stop them or slow them down.

_FountainBobknifebreathsilence._

_FountainBobknifebreathsilence._

_Silencesilencesilencesilence._

Later when Johnny looked back on that time, he would realize it felt like he blinked and arrived in front of Buck Merrill’s, his and Ponyboy’s intended location. But at the time, with all of the memories of the not-even-a-little-distance past flashing through his head, it felt like an eternity. It felt like years had passed between them deciding to leave the park and hopping up the few steps to Buck’s front door. In reality, it had only been thirty minutes.

Johnny knocked on the door.

No matter how he looked at it, it felt like much, much more time had passed than that.

The door opened less than a minute later and Buck stood before them. He seemed surprised to see them and also seemed on the verge of turning them away, but something in their eyes made him ask instead, “What d’you boys want?”

“Dally,” Johnny gasped out immediately. “We-we gotta talk to Dally.”

Buck didn’t even hesitate. “He’s busy.”

For a moment, Johnny stammered, unsure what to say before finally saying in a voice much louder than he meant to, “Just tell him it’s Ponyboy and Johnny, man, he’ll come.” He glanced over his shoulder at Ponyboy, who nodded eagerly. Johnny turned back to Buck. “C’mon!”

Buck looked at them thoughtfully for a moment before closing the door. Neither Ponyboy nor Johnny was entirely sure what that meant, so they went over to the window to the right of the door, staring through it, watching unblinkingly as they saw Buck disappear up the stairs nearly out of eye shot. About ninety seconds later, he returned with Dallas, who was shirtless.

Despite the situation, Johnny still managed to turn bright red.

What had they interrupted?

They went back to the door just as it opened and Dallas asked in a voice thick with sleep, “What d’you guys want?”

Johnny’s voice caught in his throat, both unable to figure out how to say what had just happened and thankful that sleep was all they’d interrupted, but Ponyboy ended up beating him to it anyway, looking at Dallas and saying miserably, “Johnny killed a Soc.”

There was a short pause that managed to be pregnant despite how brief it was before Dally glanced around, saying, “Alright good for you, let’s go.”

It was then Johnny seemed to find his voice all at once. “We thought you could get us out if anyone could, Dal,” he said, hating how desperate he sounded, but unable to make his voice sound any other way. “I’m sorry to get you away from this party and all, but I just don’t know what to do, man.” He wanted to kick himself. He sounded like a five year old child. Dallas was going to laugh at him.

But to his surprise, Dally’s voice softened as he said, “Nah, I was just tryin’ta get some sleep. I got in a fight with Shepard tonight. Let me see what we can do, get in.”

He ushered them into the main room, the music was so loud that when Dally asked Ponyboy something, Johnny barely heard him. There were too many people, too many people he didn’t know that he didn’t want looking at or touching him and he managed to be the first one to dash back up the stairs and down the hall to the room he knew Dallas used, not bothering to look back once.

“Hey stupid, take your sweatshirt off, you’ll freeze to death,” Dally said to Pony, slamming the door shut behind them. He even locked it.

Johnny couldn’t stop himself from going to the window and looking out it, wondering if anyone had found Bob’s body yet, wondering if the cops were after them yet. Tulsa wasn’t a small town, but it wasn’t a real big one either. This would be the talk of the town by morning. He turned away from the window and said, nerves making his voice unnaturally loud, “I wish I had a weed now.”

But he didn’t have time to dwell on this because a moment later Dallas was pressing something cool and heavy into his hands. He felt the blood drain from his face and his stomach drop through the floor and when he looked down and saw it was what he thought it was, he swallowed hard.

A gun. Dallas had given him a gun.

Johnny could only imagine what kind of trouble they were in if Dallas thought they needed it.

“Don’t point that thing at me, it’s loaded.”

Dally’s voice brought him back to himself and he stuffed the gun into his pants, not having even realized that he was pointing it at anything.

Dallas pressed a handful of bills into Johnny’s hands as well and said, “That’s fifty bucks.”

Nearly a fortune for any of them. In any other situation, he’d race Ponyboy to the bookstore and buy as many books as they could carry. But it seemed like those days were behind them forever.

Finally, he handed Ponyboy a large plaid button up saying, “Here. It’s Buck’s. It’s big, but it’s dry. Hey, I’m not anxious about tellin’ you brother about this and gettin’ my head kicked in.”

“Then don’t tell him!” Ponyboy said, his voice also loud and on the verge of tears.

Dallas didn’t reply. He only turned back to Johnny, now perched on the edge of the dresser next to the bed he and Ponyboy were both sitting on and pulled him down by the cuff of his jacket. Johnny hadn’t even noticed until that moment that he was chewing on his nails, already having bit his thumb, middle, and forefinger down to the quick.

“Get the three-fifteen train to Windrixville, it’s a freight,” Dallas was saying, speaking urgently.

But Johnny barely heard him.

He took in enough to know what he needed to do, but through the whole conversation, his mind could only think of what he’d done.

The images had stopped temporarily when they’d reached Buck’s, but they were back now, full force and all he could do was float through the conversation, nodding his head like he was listening, like he was there, but really all he could see was blood, knives, and dying blonde boys.

He was still seeing that when Dallas finally led them back downstairs, wishing them luck as they walked out the front door and headed for the trainyard.

He had a feeling it was going to be all he could see for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know this out of order from my usual postin' schedule, but i don't have a firm idea for my big fic yet, so i'm workin' on smaller things until then.


	10. Train of Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny's thoughts on the train to Windrixville

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've already posted this as a one-shot, but it felt like it needta be included in this collection, so it's here too.

Ponyboy had fallen asleep the minute the train had started moving, but, though he was exhausted beyond belief, Johnny hadn’t allowed himself to sleep. For one, he had to make sure that he could wake Ponyboy up in time to jump off the train when they got to Windrixville and for another...he wasn’t sure he really wanted to sleep.

They’d sat next to the big open door of the train car to start out with, but once they’d got moving they’d moved so they were staring out of it. That was what Johnny was doing now, staring out at the dark landscape as it passed by in shadows, nothing definitive. It felt like his future.

The gun Dally had given him was heavy in his pocket. It was meant to protect him and Ponyboy against the Socs that might come after them. But, as he sat there in the darkness, the world passing by in front of him, he pulled it out of his pocket and turned it over in his hands, thinking of all the other ways that it could be used.

It hadn’t been more than an hour since Ponyboy had found him at the vacant lot. It hadn’t been more than an hour since the Socs had found them at the park. It hadn’t been more than an hour since they’d chased them and grabbed Ponyboy and held him under the water in the fountain, trying to drown him, for talking to their girlfriends.

It hadn’t been more than an hour since Johnny had killed someone.

And as he sat in the darkness on the train, holding the gun in his hands, he wondered whether he shouldn’t just do Ponyboy and Dally and everyone a favor and put the cold of the barrel to his temple and pull the trigger.

He was the one that had murdered somebody. Ponyboy hadn’t done that. Neither had Dally. Well...he wasn’t sure about Dally, but he hadn’t gotten caught and if he hadn’t gotten caught now he probably never would. Johnny had been stupid enough to not only stab and kill someone in front of their friends, but the person he stabbed was wealthy, popular. He wasn’t some gang thug in New York. He would be missed.

The gun was heavy. A lot heavier than he’d thought a gun would be. It fit in his hand, though, too. Sometimes whenever the trees broke long enough for the moon to shine through Johnny still saw them covered in Bob Sheldon’s bright red blood.

He’d wiped his hands off in the grass after Ponyboy had come around, but they still looked red. He’d wiped his knife off there too. The knife he still had in his back pocket.

It occurred to him then that he should probably get rid of the murder weapon, but he’d gotten that switchblade to protect himself and it had done its job and that wasn’t its fault. He’d been carrying it around since the Socs had found him in the vacant lot in Apirl. It had become like a security blanket, something he carried around knowing he could defend himself at any moment because he had it. Despite what he had done, he couldn’t force himself to take it out of his pocket and throw it away now.

The moon shone through the trees again and he saw his hands, bright red, wrapped around the handle of the gun and a horrible thought drifted through his mind.

_The gun fits perfectly in your hands because there’s a reason for that, because they’re bright red, because they’re the hands of a murderer._

He wanted to scream. He wanted to throw the gun off the train. He wanted to throw himself off the train too, but then Ponyboy would be alone and as much as he wanted to convince himself no one would hold Ponyboy accountable for what had happened, he knew that wasn’t the truth.

_I can’t take much more of this, Ponyboy...I’ll-I’ll kill myself or something._

The words he’d spoken only hours earlier he’d meant at the time, but he felt like he hadn’t really known the definition of the feeling he thought he was feeling when he’d said that. He thought he knew what it was like to be desperate and alone and without any direction or hope for a future, but he realized now that he hadn’t.

Before he’d had a chance of getting away, having a life outside of this dysfunctional town, but now he was only leaving it because if he didn’t his life would get even worse, because if he didn’t what slim hope for a future he could have now was better than staying and having no future at all.

The gun was looking friendlier and friendlier, despite knowing Ponyboy was still right there.

He took off the safety.

And that was when the train began to slow. He put the safety back on and woke Ponyboy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll post another new one next time i promise!! if y'all have any suggestions for what i should write for this series tho, pls lemme know!!


	11. That One Horse Store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny's thoughts at the store near the church.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted this to be longer than it was, but oh well. i couldn't figure out a wayta make it longer.

The store was exactly two miles from the church. Far enough away that no one would find them by accident and close enough that it wasn’t too long of a walk.

Johnny woke up long before Ponyboy, hardly able to sleep on the hard concrete of the church. He’d always had a hard time sleeping in anything but a bed. Even the ripped out car seat at the lot he used so often was pushing it and he often wandered around sleep deprived. This wasn’t anything new for him, but it did make everything harder.

Especially after all that had happened the night before.

Now standing in the small store, only slightly bigger than what had been the sanctuary of the church he’d just come from, he shook his head, trying to clear it of the memories and feelings of the previous night that still lingered.

He had to focus. He had to figure out what to get that would last them until Dallas could get here, give them more money and they could buy more food.

Johnny swallowed hard at the thought.

He knew that they couldn’t hide out in the church forever. Sooner or later someone would find them or they’d go stir crazy and either way they’d have to leave. Eventually, they’d get caught. Even if Dally laid a trail that led the police all the way to Mexico, Johnny knew that sooner or later the police would realize they couldn’t have gotten far and they’d end up in jail.

Maybe it would be better to go back now and get it over with.

But the thought of jail made Johnny shudder.

Even if Ponyboy didn’t get sent to jail, Johnny knew that _he_ would. And it probably wouldn’t be for just a few months like it was when Dally went. He’d never committed murder.

And Johnny knew, even if it had been self-defense, even if it really had been an accident, it was still murder and he was still a greaser and the boy that had died was still a Soc and all of those things combined into one made his likelihood of getting off easy very slim.

And he knew he wouldn’t survive jail. Everyone knew that.

No, he had no choice. He had to stay here. And Ponyboy had to also. If Ponyboy got sent to jail because of him, he’d never forgive himself.

Johnny wandered through the aisles, his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He’d left his denim jacket at the church, having draped it over Ponyboy as a small blanket before he left. The kid had been shivering and Johnny, who was usually the one shaking from cold, had been sweating.

He still wasn’t sure if it was from the heat of the day or nerves.

Probably a mixture of both.

The store sold just about everything one could think of needing.

Without really thinking about it, he began pulling things off the shelves.

Bread and peanut butter for sandwiches. He got some bologna too. They didn’t really have a cool enough place to keep the meat, so they’d have to eat it fast. Even if that was a full week’s supply.

He grabbed a six pack of Coke from the freezers pressed up against the back wall.

And some peroxide from the first aid aisle. They’d have to change their appearances if they didn’t want to be discovered right away. Dally had told them to stay inside and he was fully intending on doing that, but accidents happened. Better to be safe than sorry.

There was a shelf of books pressed up against the back wall as well and he got _Gone With the Wind_ for Ponyboy. He liked reading too, but he could only afford one book with the fifty dollars Dally had given them. Maybe if they got more money he’d be able to get another book once they finished this one. Maybe Ponyboy could even read it out loud to pass the time.

The last thing he got was four five packs of cigarettes and just as many matchbooks.

Then he checked out, giving the cashier all of the fifty dollars that Dally had given him. The cashier packed everything in two paper bags and then put those into a crate for him when he told him he had a ways to walk. He thanked the guy, keeping his head down and left the store quickly.

The walk back seemed twice as long as the walk there had been.

The sweltering midday sun and heat rising off the asphalt that he followed back to the church didn’t help either.

Nor did the images of the night before, beginning to replay in high definition in his mind again.

He shook his head again to clear it.

It was going to be a long week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm almost done with all of my ideas for this fic, so then i'll probably do some out of order if i come up with more ideas or if i get requests/suggestions.


End file.
